Every Gift in The 12 Days of Christmas, Ranked by Its Hostility

Is your true love trying to tell you something?

Photo by Kenzie Wattier on Unsplash

So… you got a lot for the 12 days of Christmas. Maybe more than you expected. And with your two-bedroom apartment feeling crowded even before the pipers showed up… Well maybe you’re starting to wonder whether your true love is acting passive-aggressively.

Or, perhaps, your true love only gave you a few of these popular presents. No matter, either way, I’m here to help you sort through it all. Let’s figure out whether your relationship’s as sturdy as you thought…

12. Five Gold Rings

Ideal recipient: Gollum

Five expensive luxury products. Even if you dislike the rings, five stores in the local mall tell me you can exchange these for cash now.

This gift is sincere.

11. Six Geese a-Laying

Ideal recipients: Eggheads

Six new food sources.

Get through that tough winter with their eggs, and if you get sick of those, eat meat! I’m an American, so I value money over sustenance, but this is still the second-best gift on offer.

One caution: This might be a little snarky. I’d have a gander that your true love is calling you…