My U.S. 2020 Election Predictions (Satire)

Some non-union Onion headlines about the country of our state…

Bunker Hill. Absolutely no filters.

• Joe Biden wins Bingo.
• Republicans grow concerned voting will overturn election results.
• Bill Clinton writes in Monica again.
• He watches Friends a lot, get your head out of the gutter.
• Susan Collins expresses concern as Trump starts just straight-up shoving Democrats into wood chipper, Fargo-style.
• Philadelphia County Board of Elections receives beautiful new wooden horse statue.
• Democrats grow a spine, give half of it to Republicans in futile gesture of bipartisanship.
• 52-year-old three-time Indiana voter Dirk Isaacs quickly skims Donald Trump’s Wikipedia page to get an idea about who this guy is and what people think of him.
• Jeffrey Epstein did kill himself.
• Putin accuses Americans of interfering in 2020 US presidential election.
• Todd doesn’t vote.
• Mitch McConnell completes final stage of his evolution; all light is consumed under his shell.
• Facebook blasts a siren every five minutes demanding you vote, even though you’re sixteen, and Canadian, and not on Facebook. Facebook is through with giving a f-