Sarcastic Texts to My Mother From Reading a Feast for Crows While Stuck at an Airport in Nanjing

Being trapped in an interminable slog halfway to your destination is the best way to experience George R.R. Martin’s brilliant novel.

Nanjing otherwise has very little to do with Game of Thrones. (Photo Credit: Myself.)

• By the way, Mother, I fly to Hong Kong from Nanjing today.
• Also, since I’m sitting here, contrary to its reputation, A Feast for Crows has been excellent thus far. It does read like a spin-off though, since it doesn’t have Jon, Tyrion, Daenerys, Stannis, Davos, or Melisandre. It’s just not Game of Thrones without Melisandre.
• My phone’s spell check thinks all those names are totally okay, even Jon’s.
• What an arrogant fool am I for going through security before using the restroom. “It’s responsible,” I thought. “It will give you peace of mind,” I thought. “Look, the place is basically empty anyway…”
• And I know the novels are called A Song Of Ice And Fire, not Game Of Thrones, but I should like to stay sans the most needless of indulgent flourishes while texting.
• Only one person’s working at immigration. I mean her no disrespect; she’s doing a pretty good job herding a river of hundreds.
• Actually, Jon gets a brief cameo. I don’t care, but Sam does because he is nice.
• The narrators are Cersei, Jaime, Brienne, Sam, Sansa, and Arya, plus one-off chapters by a few other characters.
• Flight’s officially delayed, which I’d guessed would happen when it still hadn’t left an hour after its listed takeoff time.
• I’ve waited a long time for Cersei to become a viewpoint character, and George R.R. Martin isn’t disappointing. She’s like Donald Trump, but actually has gold hair.
• Much like yourself six hours into a road trip to Disney World, Mother, they’re no longer even estimating an arrival time.
• By the time you’re reading this, many fictional characters will already be dead.
• Cersei just blew up a major governmental building with wildfire, because everyone has a kink. This was an empty one, though, and the book lacks the TV show’s cool extra-textual piano music, which I guess makes sense if you think about it. She thought Tyrion might be hiding in its floorboards waiting to kill her and Tommen. Cersei is paranoid.
• Now they’re handing out free food and drinks, which is nice of them, but doesn’t really bode well for us getting out of here.
• Having Ser Arys Oakheart narrate a chapter definitely raises some intriguing questions, like, “Wait, which one was him, again?”
• I’ve become very familiar with this airport. That’s good. It’s cool to be familiar with foreign airports.
• I’m beginning to suspect I won’t arrive by 5:30, because it’s 5:40.
• My plane “cannot be located.” I do hope they checked under the bed and in the drawers.
• Olenna Tyrell — one of the best characters in the series — just told Cersei, “It’s only natural for you to be worried about your son. You’re his mother. Of that, at least, we are certain.”
• Spellcheck draws the line at “Olenna.”
• But spellcheck is okay with writing out “spellcheck” as one word, the goddamn hypocrite.
• Now Brienne’s trapped in a black-and-white French movie, and she doesn’t know how to get out.
• That’s definitely my plane that’s been at the gate for a few hours, so I’m not sure what’s the hold-up, besides the severe thunderstorm stretching out in all directions as far as the eye can see.
• I guess we’re just following Arys Oakheart now. He seems cool.
• Yeah, those one-off characters weren’t one-offs. We’re officially following Theon’s uncle, Theon’s sister, Theon’s other uncle, Oberyn’s brother’s personal guards, and Oberyn’s niece’s secret lover. Theon does not appear in on his book. Nor does Oberyn, because he is dead.
• I thought people were lining up at the gate, but it’s just a mob.
• Actually, the murderous Nazi Viking makes some good points. I’d vote for him.
• Yes, that’s about the book, not this escalating situation at the gate.
• A situation which, ironically, stems from a lack of escalation for the plane.
• But I’m just saying, Euron Greyjoy has developed a more substantial policy platform than any other qualified candidate.
• Okay, now we’re boarding, but they still haven’t listed a departure time, which I find very suspicious.
• It was suspicious for a reason. The plane only started moving 4 hours 12 minutes later. Not even flying; just starting to taxi.
• I might be the first person to read A Feast For Crows in one sitting. I didn’t know that was possible, physically. It’s definitely not possible, emotionally.
• Reading this book makes me feel like an old man revisiting his high school asking if anyone else remembers King Robert, because wasn’t that King Robert a real corker, but nobody does, because King Robert died thirty years ago and was his lawn mower.
• 21:01: Restaurants by my apartment are officially closed. Consequently, I will starve.
• I must remind you, my housing in Hong Kong remains a glorified nine-story prison which closes its microwave at night and confiscated the fork I tried to sneak into my room.
• I’d check if my roommate has a solution, but six months on, we still haven’t properly introduced ourselves, and I don’t want it to get awkward.
• 21:02: Lift-off. This was a 14:40 flight. Complaining accomplishes nothing, and yet it is within my power to do so, and so I shall do it.
• Yes, I’m on airplane mode, but I hold to this as my sacred vigil.
• I really like Arys Oakheart.
• 23:03: Plane’s on the ground, after just a quick hop down the continent.
• Arys Oakheart is dead. Damn you, George R.R. Martin.
• Bags delayed. Damn you, George R.R. Martin.
• Apparently, the only place open past 11 is 7/11. We live in a post-truth age.
• 7/11 serves surprisingly good food in Japan. I am in Hong Kong.
• Perhaps I’m tired and gone crazy, but…
• Despite being tired and gone crazy, I think A Feast For Crows might be the best book in the series. It’s more of a portrait than a plot-driven novel, but it shows the toll the war has taken on commoners, which drives home the absurdity of the entire conflict and makes this the emotional centerpiece of A Song Of Ice And Fire.

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